Thursday, 23 April 2009

Day 2: Contemplative...

Thinking, maybe it shouldn't always be done. Some things should be suppressed into the unconscious and forgotten about for all eternity. Others need precise thinking. How do you know which one is required? I suppose you never know, trial and error... Either it works for you or you're not a happy bunny!!

Never Live In Regret
Regret Was Solely Made For Rehabilitation
Rehabilitation Was Made For Change
The Key To Change Is Knowing What Needs To Be Achieved
If You Want Answers You Need To Ask Questions
If You Want Results You Need To Take Action

YTL 26.10.08

Thought provoking, think literally - a stream of consciousness - decide your own interpretation.

It's funny how when you least try to think of someone, something will trigger a memory of them... Mad stuff. I need a holiday. Sun, sea, cocktails & bikini's. Bikini's & tans :)

I start at Scala tomorrow. Wish me luck!!
Nat x

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Day One... Productive yet disatserous x

Day one:
I had a rather productive day. I turned up to an interview a whole day late and still got the job!! LOL. I also started making some changes to myself, you can't change anyone else so start with yourself. I made a first step towards change, they say its that first step that's the hardest. It's true, but taking that step is a great feeling. Knowing a change will positively impact the rest of your life... Hopefully

I'm not sure who reads these anymore, maybe a few of you. Maybe none. Who knows.
I quite like to pour my heart out over these because sometimes I doubt that anyone reads them, it seems private; like a diary I suppose.

Dear you...
I hope you read this, a few months back, I would've been so sure that you would've.
Now; who knows. I remember meeting you, June 2007 - Palmers green Sainsburys.
We met my accident. Fate I suppose. I had brown linen trousers on and you had a white adidas jacket on, strange the things you remember.
You told me you liked curly hair as I gossiped with you and a mate. I felt comfortable with you straight away - unusual. I went past the cafe today & the man came out to ask where you were, recited your order as if we'd strolled in only the day before. That wasn't the case but memory is a weird thing. Memories. I stopped at a petrol station today, one we stopped at when we tried to watch The Simpsons in Romford, but got there too late. I was telling you about an orange dress before we pulled up there, you paid for your petrol & got me a pack of starburst on your way out. The pink packet - my favourite.
All of this in one day, then I come home to a bed you'd previously laid beside me in. Only this time, one side of the bed was empty. Three pillows stay cold on both sides, one toothbrush unused. Only one bowl of cake & custard.
It's weird how one person can affect so much, how so many things remind you of them. It's sad I suppose but happy at the same time. The memories bring back smiles, you can picture you both laughing at the most ridiculous things. I slept in your hoodie while you were away, never knowing the true extent of what you would become to me. Time makes a difference, feelings grow as well as fade.
I hope this won't be another used to be...

End of day one...

Nat x

Happy birthday Sabreena. Love you loads babe xxxxx

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

21/04/09 [21:28]

Can you love someone so much that it blinds your true rational feelings?
What if that love made you act in a way which was alien even to yourself...
Could you blame the person for leaving?
Even when you know they deserve so much more than you are ever likely to be able to give?
Would you be selfish & try to win them back or do what's best for them & leave them to be happy; even if the only way they are likely to be happy is with someone else?

If you would try to win them back you never truly loved them. Love is wanting someone to be happy, regardless of who it is with. Wanting what is best for them, even if it isn't what's best for you. That selfless, emotion fuelled love. It makes people do crazy things, maybe it's because they wear a mask. Thinking that the mask creates a person that their loved one will eternally love back. It's a shame it doesn't work that way. Sometimes you long for your own happiness so much that what you really have is blinded by the rose coloured glasses that you didn't even realise you were wearing; when this happens - expect to lose something. When you do, who can you blame? Yourself. It doesn't make it feel any better, it won't make you smile and it will take a while to get over. Especially if what you lose is the one you love...

Nat x

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Quick thought...

Sometimes you learn the hard way.
'Man has to experience the fall to gain greater rewards'

So I guess today I'll struggle but tomorrow will be a better day.
Well maybe not such a short time scale but the theory's there. Fingers crossed!

Nat x

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

I'm back..

Dear all...
Today I feel like shit. You know one of those days when your hair just doesn't go right, your make up just doesn't feel right and the iron just seems to crease your clothes but you still have to leave your house. Work. The joys of being an adult.

I recently moved house. I'm not sure if I like it much. I suppose it takes time getting used to. Big changes. Maybe I prefer stability. Living alone is kinda lonely and my housemates are never here. It's like waking up and there's no-one home. Lol, weird feeling. I don't quite know anyone elses routine here yet, maybe once I work it out I'll feel more at home.

Truth be told, I have never felt more loney. I see who's really there and who isn't. To those that have been there, I'll never forget it and appreciate it more than you know. I spent time with my nan today, she came all the way from Derby to wish me well. Nan. I know you'll read this. Thankyou, I love you and appreciate the advice. I will also consider what you said. You see through a smile, know that behind sparkly eyes are tears just waiting to fall. I needed you and you knew without me even telling you. Truely you are an angel. Maybe this was more a letter to you than a blog. Some things are easier to type on here than to say to you, I hope you can understand that.

Nat x

PS. I now have the internet :) better updates soon!!!