Wednesday, 2 September 2009


You made your decision. You took the easy way out.

Your voice is one the child will never recognise. Your face a distant memory that your child can't quite put a name to. Thinking: no. Ermm. Oh. When it does remember it won't be daddy, it'll just be him. Your hugs - it never felt, your kiss was non existent.

Mum read all those books to me, I don't remember you tucking me in. Mum taught me how to ride my bike. Isn't that a dad's job? Sports day - you weren't there. I looked, I searched wishing you were there. My friend's dad's were.

Granddad had the talks with me you should have had. Uncle played football with me. I'm grown now - I wish I needed you. Time has passed and I'm used to life without you.
Take care

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Well done guys...

It really is the most amazing feeling knowing that hard work has paid off.
I suppose input = output.
Those long and late nights studying, the sleepless nights & endless worry ensured I passed my A Levels with sufficient grades to get into my first (firm) choice uni.

Brunel here I come...
Now I know I'm in my uni; I wonder what grades I got. Hmmm... Hurry up 12:00!!!

Will update later,
Love (an elated) Nat x

Friday, 14 August 2009

Ms James - This is who I am

So whats new!
Contemplating with myself about who I really am... Really who am I?

So there's Natalia James. 5"6... All the basic bits.
Really I'm a female who pushes people away before they get close enough for her to love.
Who makes boundaries where there shouldn't be any.
Who makes her own rules.

Sometimes I'm so lost in a world of my own that I forget there's others here.
So I guess I'm inconsiderate too.

I fall in love, well I have. Then its a long hard cycle trying to get over them. Real.
I've spent time trying to work out why this happens. All that happened was I felt sorry for myself. Silly.

I ignore the right guy and fall for the wrong one. Then wonder why I'm hurt.
At times I'm delusional. I always attempt to see the best in people.
I think that people are being friendly because its the person they are.
That is rarely the case.

I stick to material items because I know they won't hurt me. They can't leave.
I am not materialistic. Really they mean nothing to me.
I'd give everything up to be half the person some of you are.

I say you all made me who I am. Really half of you don't see the person I am.
I wear a mask 3/4 of the time. More time I'm insecure about ALOT.
I always think whoever I'm with will leave me for someone with bigger boobs. Seems silly.
I also think when I love someone they'll leave.
Nick you were my best friend. Where are you now?

I realise that people drift apart. Yet I take it personally.
I think so highly of you, that when we drift apart. I'll feel the same.

All that you've just read doesn't come across as me, yet it is who I am.
Love Nat x

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Ermm... Aloha

Some situations have an obvious answer. Until you are in the situation yourself.
Then what's the answer?

Who knows?

You have to struggle to find the answer for yourself. Heart ache now to ease future heart break. Maybe. Only time will tell.

With Love,
Nat x

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Could you ?

To place the mercy of one's life in the hands of another, how ethical can that be? Can it ever be jusified to permit one human to play God with the life of another? One decision, one word, one signiture. All made in a split second will decide the future of two - the entirity of the rest of their lives. Can you ever have given it enough thought, contemplated enough? Maybe one second longer would have resulted in a alternative decision. Could you make the right choice? Would you ever be able to forgive yourself?

What if the decision was based on the opinion of another or a conscience that would never belong to you? Could you still have unrelented faith in the decision you had made or would you realise the deicison was never really yours?

Could you enable someone to permit you to take the life of another? Remember only you give the go-ahead. The consequencey will inevitably be faced by you even if the decision wasn't solely made there.
Only you can decide your future, any mistake you make will be reciprocated upon yourself. Karma.

When noone is by your side, your corner is empty and the world places it's troubles upon your burdened shoulders, the faith you have in yourself is unmistakable, unbreakable and irreplacable.
Make your decision. Yours

Love Nat xx

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Days in the life of Natalia...x

Sim Sim, Ms Naked lmao... Love her really... Aint she a beauty!! xx

Jakeyy Babyy!! Hyde Park day 1 lol!! x

The girls, love em!! Love em loads!! My belly looks massive tho hahaha xx

Myself & My baby Chloe. My conscience, my world, my angel!! Love ya bubs xx

Pure Envy Sundays, I love my outfit lmao!! xx

At home before I go out. All bloody smiles here!! xx

Old school Natalia... This is how I used to look on a daily basis lmfao!! Pure gel & curl activator hahaha

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Click your life away...

Hey world.. Well London & whoever else happens to stumble across this...

I am a Londoner. I was not born here but I was raised here. I have a London mentality and struggle to leave the polluted London air for more than a week. Would I be able to cope living away from London for a prolonged period in order to gain deferred gratifiation? If the end justified the means could I move?

Why when I struggle with something here do I look to leave London? Maybe the busy life gets a bit much and I would like to live life at a slower pace. I chose to stay at a London uni to maintain my life as it is, wanting to remain a constant. Can you make decisions based around others? Would success be as satisfying or would you feel like there was something you lacked?

One decision could be the basis for the entirity of your future. The click of one button, on one website persoinified as your entire future. The people you'll meet, the job you'll get, the neighbourhood you'll live in etc... It's a crazy reality.

Love, Live, Life, Proceed, Progress. Do the best you can I suppose, carpe diem & all of that lol... Nat x